BIG PIMPIN... Its Sara's BIRTHDAY PARTY!

(Yes I'm posting this a few hours early because I'll be sleeping at midnight, I'll be at work tomorrow, and well, why not just start the Birthday Lovin now?)

I'm super very excited for today's post. For those of you who haven't checked out Smartass Sara... well its her BIRTHDAY and you SHOULD. Show her some love today!!! And she's just so damn cool that she's one of the few blogger pals who I know would appreciate the merchandise listed below. And well, if I wasn't such a sucky blog friend I would've found it and sent it to her in real life. And she's vowing to beat everyone in my CONTEST and I admire her determination.  Anyways, I heart her and wish I could party with her tonight.

Without further adieu...

I present to you...

One of the Baddest Mothas

in the blogger hood...

Smart Ass + Sara = Split Personality and/or Bi-Polar. You Be The Judge

For those who don't me I'll give you a quickie intro. I'm 28. I'm a mom of two kids. I'm unhappily married. I work full time. I have my own Etsy shop. I'm a full time blogger. I'm a friend, daughter, etc. I'm angsty. I'm easily confused. I'm a potty mouth. I'm determined and independent. I'm a picky eater and I have big boobs. I have a bubble butt and I read a lot. I like music. I don't like farm animals.

So I think that kind of gives you some insight into me. Of course a stroll through my blog, Sara's Organized Chaos will give you more insight into me and my crazy.

But I struggle. I struggle every day with who I am and who I actually want to be. It's strange that all my life I wanted to grow up, get married, have babies, and be Martha Stewart but prettier with bigger boobs. And I did all that. Except I'm not happy. I feel like I missed out on something.

In any one day I feel like I am two or three completely different people. Sometimes four. There is:

MOMMY SARA: The dedicated mom to two super adorable and awesome, well behaved kids. I have no idea how I got so lucky with them but I am forever grateful that I have been given the best kids ever. (They are only 4 and 2 so check with me in 10 years) I do crafty things with them, I plan out our activities, I'm trying to make everything a teaching moment, I'm always tired. I'm giving piggy back rides, I'm hiding with them, chasing them, singing along with the Wiggles.

WIFE AND HOMEMAKER SARA: I plan our meals, I clean our house, I make us look good to the outside world. People who encounter us would see as a put together, organized family of four. Really it's a gigantic nightmare of a mess but I hold it together. I remember every holiday, birthday, anniversary, party, appointment, etc and get everybody where they need to go. Any CEO of any large company has nothing on me. I can put Martha to shame. Which is hard because she's a heartless bitch that you just KNOW has whips under her bed. With pretty little ribbons on the handles.

FULL TIME WORKER SARA: Ah- yes. I work in a non-profit. I'm sweet and friendly. My co-workers probably have a small inkling of what I'm like in real life or think they know but they don't. They actually know a very small part of me. I'm a good worker, uber organized, helpful, kind and caring to the clients, willing to take anything on.

SPARE TIME SARA: This is the Sara I actually like the most, oddly enough. This Sara is crazy. She's loud, she's obnoxious, she has no filter, says anything that comes into her head. Funny, klutzy, airhead, sporadic, busy, scattered, talks a mile a minute, lover of music, likes to dance, acts as if she is 21 forever but doesn't drink because she doesn't need to.

So you roll up all of these versions of me and it's confusing. I don't know where I really fit and can't find a balance. How I can keep it all straight, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like never turning onto my street. Like I should just keep driving, leave it all behind start anew. Except that would likely last for about 20 miles because I get lost without my GPS and it's currently sitting on my kitchen counter because for some reason I brought it in thinking I'd need it while cooking dinner or something.

Plus I'd be broke. I never have more than $3 on me because I'm a bit of a shop-o-holic. Like today on lunch I had $20. I bought: a pepsi, a water, a bag of jelly beans, a Lil Wayne cd, and a thing of Reese's Peanut Butter Cup eggs. Guess what? I now have .17. So I'm going NOWHERE. That means today I will be going home.

And god forbid I'd get a flat tire. I'd be screwed. I have a penchant for flat tires and broken windows. At least on this vehicle. I mean, in theory- the steps on changing a flat tire seem pretty straight forward, but it requires thought and muscle which are two things that don't work together for me. So you get one or the other, but if you are hoping for muscle it's limited.

I also have very limited real world experience. So I'd be the idiot asking a group of gang bangers where I could find a clean bathroom with toilet paper. Can we say "Target for Robbery", anyone? Except they'd probably be so pissed off with my measly .17 that maybe they'd just feel bad for me. And then like pimp me out or something. Who knows. But I do know that I am a magnet for freaks, perverts, and crazies so let's be real. I would last literally, a matter of a few hours before something traumatic happened.

So in the end, I have no idea who I am. I don't even think I'm capable of every really figuring it out. It depends where I am and what I'm doing. I do know that I try to be good at everything I do. Sure, there are some things I'd probably change if I could but who knows. Maybe I'd be worse off. At least I didn't end up on 16 and Pregnant, right? At least I'm not on Maury confused over the 37 possible baby daddy's in the span of a week. If I could do it all over again, I would have slutted it up a bit. I would have gotten piss drunk at least once in my 20's. (Not to say I never have..I'm talking in my early 20's.) I would have gotten a tattoo on my ass or something. I would have done majorly stupid things I'd regret later on.

I STINK... (AND A STINKIN AWESOME CONTEST!)

I stink... in a lot of ways....

I stink at remembering things (like the chiropractor appointment I had today), I stink at cooking (because I'm LAZY not because I can't read a recipe and follow directions), I stink at exercising (again the LAZY factor comes in AND I'm human). But I stink right now mostly because I hit up happy hour with a couple of co-workers and therefore smell like a bar (ala Captain and Coke and cigarette smoke).

I also stink at giving the proper love to those who've so graciously checked out my blog of late - I will I swear because I appreciate the shiz out of you guys, seriously. I'm a horrible blogger.... for real. I also stink at being a loser because, I'm not gonna lie, I pouted (we're talking stuck out bottom lip, and sadness in my veins) when I didn't win Sarah's contest. But I picked myself up by the ol' boot straps and forced myself out of bed this morning. (Don't feel bad Sarah, I still love you long time and I think now is where I insert the teaser for those who love good, organized chaos, and say that we've got an exciting happening on the Ink blog this week....)

*Sigh* I'm really having a hard time transitioning here....

Soooo... I thought I'd update you all on some vacations I want to take in the coming months (because you care, right?) and introduce MY VERY FIRST CONTEST!!!

1. April - I'm thinking a visit to my family in Tennessee is long overdue. There's a lot of peeps there that the husband hasn't met yet who I KNOW he will love and who will LOVE him in return. AND there's nothing like the calm you feel when you cross into Kentucky. I heart the South.

2. May - I dream of warm weekends in Chicago so I'm trying to recruit my bro and sis-in-law to accompany us on a long weekend in the city. Ok, lets not kid ourselves, its the buckets of liquor at Howl at the Moon that make me long for the Windy City.

3. May, June, July and August - I ACHE to camp. While I enjoy getting all dolled up and going to a nice dinner in the city, I also cannot deny my affinity for beer, bonfires and tent sleeping.

4. October - Being that I do not need to break a sweat and come home looking like a lobster to consider a trip a "vacation," we are considering a cruise up the east coast in October with a couple friends. The one we've decided on is a New England/Canada cruise leaving from NYC and stopping at Boston, Portland, Halifax and St.John. Because whats better than fall colors, late nights with friends and sea sickness? I'll tell ya... NOTHING!

And from this comes a STINKIN CONTEST!!! Tell your friends!!! No seriously... I said TELL your friends... NOW.

I'm someone who associates music with EVERY instance in her life. So I need a SOUNDTRACK to my adventures people!! (I know, I know... can you believe how fun this is?!) I'm looking for a playlist of three songs for each adventure - there's four of them, count them, four of them. So four times 3 is 12. To be clear:

1.) April (Tennessee) = 3 songs
2.) May (Chicago) = 3 songs
3.) May, June, July, August (Camping) = 3 songs
4.) October (Cruise up the east coast) = 3 songs

If you insist on sending more I won't be sad. And what do you WIN?! You win a STINKIN awesome gift basket representing each of the 4 vacations I'm taking (valued at $50)!

I double-dog dare you to take on the challenge! And speaking of dares... and contests... and winning sweet stuff... enter Insatiable's contest too!

To give you time to get the creative juices flowing I won't close out the contest until Monday of next week. I'll listen to the songs throughout the week and name a winner on Friday. So peace out girl scouts. Get to contesting!

THIS IS HOW WE DO IT...

Its Thursday night, and I feel alright... the party's here on the West side... 10 points for the first person to name that artist (if thats what you call it).

Anyways, tonights post is serving one purpose and one purpose only... to gracefully accept a fantabulous award (take THAT portmanteaus!). And this award was so graciously given by the equally fantabulous Insatiable who I've already went to second base with. (Ok seriously, I've linked the crap out of her... go check her out.... what are you waiting for? I'll wait...)

Anyshizzle...

As a rule, I have to offer up some more of the unknown to you lovelies so buckle up... or please just try and stay awake at the very least...

1) Sometimes I give people the finger after they walk out of my office. Complete with biting my bottom lip for emphasis and EVERYTHING... Sounds crazy I know - but it makes a girl feel soooooo much better.

2) (This ones for Insatiable) I too heart Ramen noodles. Except there's a ginormous difference. Here are the steps I take to eat my Ramen noodles. You go ahead and gag but try it just once and you, my friend, will be hooked.
-Take the package of Ramen and set it on the counter
-Grab any random canned good out of the pantry
-Pound the shiz out of the package of Ramen so its broken up into bite-size dry noodley pieces
-Open the package and pour it in a bowl
-Take the season stuff and sprinkle it on top
-Voila! You have crunchy, chickeny flavored noodley things and its SUPERB

3) I think I might seriously have a Facebook addiction.

4) My new niece is so precious I think I might kidnap her and move to Mexico.

5) I like when I'm driving and see a guy stare at me and I get the pleasure of thinking "Oh you don't even KNOW what hot mess exists beneath the shoulder shot you're getting."

6) I SWAN DIVE when people come to my door. Seriously, I can just about make myself invisible when the Jehovah's witness people come a-knockin.

7) After watching American Idol last night, I racked my brain on my way to work this morning trying to think of what my "perfect song choice" would be. There isn't one.

Ok... there you have it. I have to tag something like 7 people and well, since I'm new to the blog world and only have 9 followers so far, how could I seriously leave TWO of you out? So I tag all of you followers because I think you're ALL amazing. So here are the rules. And if you want to be a rule-breaker well, I guess its your call. But you ARE destined for 19 years of bad luck, you will form a unibrow, your va-jay-jay will shrivel up and you will randomly shout the phrase "Miranda is the shiz!" whenever someone says the word "banana" for the rest of your life. Choose wisely...

1. Thank the person that awarded you. Link to them in your post.

2. Pass this award on to 15 bloggers (or however many you can without feeling guilty)

3. Contact said blogs and let them know they've won (unless you take the lazy way out and tag ALL of them and its right before bedtime and there's no way you're dealing with that)

4. State 7 things about yourself

Night all!

WELCOME TO THE STREET CORNER

I've spent some time doing some HARD CORE blog reading the last few days. What can I say, when my world gets crazy I like to dive into yours... is that creepy? Get over it because I don't stay there. I move on to vodka and sprite rather quickly and well, I forget the night before. You could say you guys are my stress-induced one-night-blog-stands.... But I'll make you breakfast one of these days I swear.

I've come across some fantastic blogs lately and have also joined a couple of groups like a real actual blogger. See them right ovah heah--------------------------------------------------------------------->
Oh and there's a couple I'm too idiotic and lazy to grab a badge for but I'll promote sooner than later.

Go ahead, tap into your inner-middle-aged-sexiness and watch this to get in the mood for the next part of the post...




So here we go ladies and gents... now presenting (sang to the tune of Sex Bomb) "Link Love, Link Love... Givin Link Love" I'm gonna go ahead and slap on the gold chains and alligator print shoes and pimp the shiz out of some of you.

First we have...

Chunky Monkey - This fellow Michigander cracks me up with her hilarious observations and her affinity for all things handmade with Etsy Saturdays. Love love love...

The Insatiable Host - Because... well... just go read it. Her themed posts are nothing short of A-M-A-Z-I-N-G with such topics as WTF Wednesdays how can you not love her?

And last but certainly not least, my newest favorite (new as in I found her within the last 15 minutes and in an act of haste might have come onto her a bit too strong but I took the "No guts, no glory" approach"). I present to you.............. drumroll...............

Sara's Organized Chaos - Cute name right? Nice, cute picture right? Ummm... read further because I thought I had a sailor's mouth and this lovely made MY jaw hit the floor. Like she might even make my husband blush. Profanity+Pearls just might = my new fav. I beg of you, nay, IMPLORE you, to check her out.

So check them out. This Big Pimpin business is pretty exhausting. Going to drink some pimp juice and hit the hiz-ay for shiz-ayyyy! Later!

SERIOUSLY...

Someone stab me square in the elbow...

Can I just say that sometimes my self-induced bi-polarness becomes too overwhelming for even a super chick like me to handle? What is self-induced bi-polarness you ask? (Or if you didn't... you're finding out anyway.)

Its the two identities I've created to cope with life. Identity One is me... good ol', raw, uncut, inappropriate, and, if I do say so... hilarious... me. This is the person that my husband knows, my mom knows, my friends know. She is the jerk who slows down to 15mph when some a-hole is tailgating. She's the idiot who will have a wild dance-off with her own self in the living room after only one drink and a rough workweek. She's the wife that will rush to pick up Chinese food and get home so I can joke with the hubby and say "See? I CAN have dinner on the table by six like a good wife."

Identity Two... ugh! I *almost* hate her. Actually that's a LIE. I have a severe love/hate relationship with her. I think my self-induced bi-polar-ish second identity might even be bi-polar. Does that mean I'm quad-polar?!?! Identity Two is the voice that answers the phone at the office that's so syrupy sweet you'd gag. She's the office psychiatrist that's compassionate to everyone (while Identity One is secretly saying "Seriously... get OUT of my office because I have work to do!). She's the student on who's report cards the teachers made the extra effort to write "Miranda is a joy to have. Every teacher wishes for a classroom full of Mirandas." (;--- true story... doesn't that make you SICK?)

So of all the random, mismatched thoughts that fly through my mind, these are the two main characters that exist as a result.

COME ON! GET TO THE POINT! (Identity Two: "Ok, I apologize for the inconvenience of bringing you through this painful discussion." Identity One: "Ya know what... how about I'll get there when I get there?")

My point iiiiiissss.... sometimes these two cross paths and truly want to duke it out... Fight Club style. Sometimes these two have a hard time staying on their side of the backseat and make me want to pull the car over and spank both of them. (Sorry for you parents out there who are anti-spanking) but these two can get seriously out of hand.

And I've got this sneaking suspicion that this week Identity One just might take over in the workplace. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little nervous for her to make her debut. I hardly think she's Employee of the Month material and we just might lose clients over it and furthermore... she *just* might get me fired. So say a little prayer to the self-induced-bi-polar-ish Gods and I'll keep you updated.

Night all!

A FISH OUT OF WATER...

There are times in life when you really wish you could press "forward" on the whole weight loss bit.

Over the last couple of weeks an amazing opportunity has transpired. My boss is putting on a social event in California for some very high profile clients. As an event planner, the opportunity to put on such an event is amazing.

I've even been put in contact with a celebrity event coordinator in LA who's clients typically consist of musicians and record labels. I've been in close contact with her all week and in one month will be flying out to LA for the actual event at a pretty exclusive venue that is frequented by the likes of Paris Hilton, the group from the "Hills," and lots and lots of young Hollywood types.

Umm..... pardoooone? ME? SMALL TOWN MICHIGAN GIRL WITH THE COMBINED WEIGHT OF THE ENTIRE HILLS CAST?!?! (Ok maybe that's exaggerated...)

Even though I'm happy to say that the small lifestyle changes I've implemented have resulted in the loss of 7 pounds in the last month, I'm TERRIFIED to be out in West Hollywood like a frickin fish out of water. I have NO idea what to wear (if anyone can link me to some decent clothing sites/stores that would be FAB). I'm actually afraid that even though we have reserved the venue that they STILL won't let me in... Can they DO that? I swear to you that the mere thought of this sends me into a near panic attack.

Press "forward" on the ol' weight loss and this would be an entirely different situation. How awesome of a time would that be? Yet one more life event that I feel like I can't fully enjoy because of the less-than-perfect condition I've let myself get into.

So there's my dilemma. I'm BEYOND nervous. I'm more nervous about my appearance being so unlike that of the people I'll be surrounded with than I am about pulling off this caliber of event which is on an entirely different level than any I've ever done.

So say a prayer... or seven... and I'll catch you all in the next post.

P.S. --- Thank you to everyone else for not being nearly as neglectful of their blogs as I am. Your posts keep me motivated and humored :) Adios!

I'M NOT SUPERSTITIOUS... BUT I'M A LITTLE STITIOUS

Woot!Woot! I'm happy-dancing my little heart out. Its the simple things I tell ya... Seriously I wish you all could've seen the raised eyebrow and eye rolling I got from my husband when I went from "I have SUCH a bad headache" to "HOLLLLAAAA!!! I've got my 5th blog follower!"

Today was a pretty junky day. This WEEK has been pretty junky thus far and its only TUESDAY. What oh what is the matter you ask? Wellll... I made a decision a few days ago when I was about to rip someone's eye out or stick No.2 pencils in my own that I'm making a conscious effort to stop carrying the weight of everyone's problems. I decided to stop caring what people think, what their problems are and only worry about my own.

That might sound pretty selfish but here's the catch. I SWEAR to you that I am the office psychiatrist. I kid you not, at least five times a day someone comes to my door and says "I know you're busy but I just need to know..." And then they proceed to lay their burdens right in front of me and look at me with that quizzical look that says "FIX ME." Now I'm about as compassionate as they come but at least 97% of the issues that people come to me with are problems they have caused for themselves. One of the biggest lessons I have taught myself is that you cannot change the things that people say and do or whatever life throws at you. All you can change is how you REACT to it. Therefore, people getting in their own way time and time again annoys the crap out of me.

I'll be there for you. I'll listen. I'll try and walk you through a hard situation. But when you acknowledge the problem as well as the solution and refuse to fix it then that's where my sympathy ends. I've spent too much time carrying other people's burdens and not worrying about making myself happy. And THAT my friends (Cinco AMIGOS!!) is why this week is already proving to be a very trying one.

My new outlook on life has been tested beyond belief and I'm trying not to lose it. I'm PMSing, I've had a headache for two days, I'm not sleeping for crap at night and work is S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L. Therefore my tolerance for b.s. is nonexistent. Any tips for maintaining sanity and self control would be greatly appreciated. My foolish ranting aside, I hope you're all having a fabulous week so far.

P.S.
For those of you embarking for the first, second, third, millionth time on any sort of weight-loss or health-induced plan, tune in to Oprah tomorrow. Ruby will be on there and she is absolutely beautiful and inspiring. Peace out playas... I mean good evening fellow bloggers...