Monday, November 22, 2010
OH BABY
Sometimes when it truly sinks in that we still don't have children I have a loneliness settle over me that is unbearable and suffocating. It makes me feel homesick for the life I thought I'd have at this point - homesick while sitting in my living room. I don't think anyone in my every day life could ever understand. So there it is world.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
A SPECIAL KIND OF CRAZY
This post was inspired by my dear love Mrs.Fatass. (Sorry Sue I seem to draw inspiration from you a lot and well, I apologize. This actually started out as a comment in response to her post today which you should check out here since its the prelude to what I'm about to say.
And we continue...
If you did what you were told like good readers you know that the word of the day today is ANXIETY. Doesn't that word just sound anxious? Hey English majors - is there a word for a word that feels like it sounds? Just wondering...
Focus. Little one. Focus.
SO....
DEAR SUE,
I want to say I suffer from EXACTLY what you described but I adore you too much to take that away from you and acknowledge that while they appear to be, no two people or experiences are the same. But sister? I will say this:
I feel compelled to share a tidbit with you. The hubby and I went to a bagel shop this weekend. Sitting there with my husband, my bagel and my smoothie I had this feeling hit me like a ton of bricks. A feeling like I didn't belong there and like I don't belong where I am in my life as a whole. It was one of the heaviest and craziest feelings I've ever experienced. So much so that I had to get up and leave... I sat there looking at the families with children, the elderly couple that had just come in after church, the women behind the counter. And felt like I was looking at them through a window. And I still can't shake it.
And my husband? Being that he doesn't experience anxiety, he gave me the look that said "I did not sign up for this," which makes it 100% worse. I've been told to "get out of my head" more than once by people who more than don't get it.
I haven't quite figured out the secret to escaping something that's attached to my very body. But if you feel this way too can we make a pact? That the first one to figure it out please share? I think one of the hardest things is feeling like there's got to be a higher quality of life outside of this place in our minds.
But is there? And its not exactly something we wear on our sleeves. So sometimes I have to make myself feel better by assuming everyone's mind is wired like mine and that we're all fighting the same battle against our minds. All fine and good until the hubby gives that look again and blows the plan...
So I don't know if this helps at all but I give you major kudos for sharing something so personal. I've decided that I'm a special kind of crazy and work every day on fixing the parts of that that might harm me and accepting the parts of it that make me who I am or at least the parts that make others uncomfortable and cause me to smirk at myself.
But the part of my crazy that's anxious? Its like a monkey on my back day in and day out. I could literally write a blog just on my fears and the worries that creep up on me every .00007 seconds. So much so that my biggest fear is that when I age I'll lose my mind and solely exist in the hell that my mind creates. At least right now I can operate outside of it enough to participate in the world day in and day out. Its losing control of that that scares the hell out of me.
Its a battle that I fear my future children will fight and I sense my husband fears it too. I feel sorry for all of them sometimes.
But this is my promise to you - I'll wage this war with you. The one thing that makes me feel better and like I've got it under control is helping other people. So if there is ever anything I can do please don't hesitate to let me know. I'm super intuitive when it comes to helping others. I just struggle with applying it myself.
So I'm here for you and all of my readers. Consider this your wailing wall. I'm busy doing life and don't get here to write as often as I'd like. But I'm always here reading. And if you reach out to me you bet I'll be there. THAT part of me is normal and pretty cool :)
Sorry for the novel ya'll and I hope you've gotten something out of this hot mess of a post. Peace out girl scouts! XOXO
And we continue...
If you did what you were told like good readers you know that the word of the day today is ANXIETY. Doesn't that word just sound anxious? Hey English majors - is there a word for a word that feels like it sounds? Just wondering...
Focus. Little one. Focus.
SO....
DEAR SUE,
I want to say I suffer from EXACTLY what you described but I adore you too much to take that away from you and acknowledge that while they appear to be, no two people or experiences are the same. But sister? I will say this:
I feel ya.
I feel compelled to share a tidbit with you. The hubby and I went to a bagel shop this weekend. Sitting there with my husband, my bagel and my smoothie I had this feeling hit me like a ton of bricks. A feeling like I didn't belong there and like I don't belong where I am in my life as a whole. It was one of the heaviest and craziest feelings I've ever experienced. So much so that I had to get up and leave... I sat there looking at the families with children, the elderly couple that had just come in after church, the women behind the counter. And felt like I was looking at them through a window. And I still can't shake it.
And my husband? Being that he doesn't experience anxiety, he gave me the look that said "I did not sign up for this," which makes it 100% worse. I've been told to "get out of my head" more than once by people who more than don't get it.
I haven't quite figured out the secret to escaping something that's attached to my very body. But if you feel this way too can we make a pact? That the first one to figure it out please share? I think one of the hardest things is feeling like there's got to be a higher quality of life outside of this place in our minds.
But is there? And its not exactly something we wear on our sleeves. So sometimes I have to make myself feel better by assuming everyone's mind is wired like mine and that we're all fighting the same battle against our minds. All fine and good until the hubby gives that look again and blows the plan...
So I don't know if this helps at all but I give you major kudos for sharing something so personal. I've decided that I'm a special kind of crazy and work every day on fixing the parts of that that might harm me and accepting the parts of it that make me who I am or at least the parts that make others uncomfortable and cause me to smirk at myself.
But the part of my crazy that's anxious? Its like a monkey on my back day in and day out. I could literally write a blog just on my fears and the worries that creep up on me every .00007 seconds. So much so that my biggest fear is that when I age I'll lose my mind and solely exist in the hell that my mind creates. At least right now I can operate outside of it enough to participate in the world day in and day out. Its losing control of that that scares the hell out of me.
Its a battle that I fear my future children will fight and I sense my husband fears it too. I feel sorry for all of them sometimes.
But this is my promise to you - I'll wage this war with you. The one thing that makes me feel better and like I've got it under control is helping other people. So if there is ever anything I can do please don't hesitate to let me know. I'm super intuitive when it comes to helping others. I just struggle with applying it myself.
So I'm here for you and all of my readers. Consider this your wailing wall. I'm busy doing life and don't get here to write as often as I'd like. But I'm always here reading. And if you reach out to me you bet I'll be there. THAT part of me is normal and pretty cool :)
Sorry for the novel ya'll and I hope you've gotten something out of this hot mess of a post. Peace out girl scouts! XOXO
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