Monday, February 22, 2010


Someone stab me in the square in the elbow...

Can I just say that sometimes my self-induced bi-polarness becomes too overwhelming for even a super chick like me to handle? What is self-induced bi-polarness you ask? (Or if you didn't... you're just flat out rude!)

Its the two identities I've created to cope with life. Identity One is me... good ol', raw, uncut, inappropriate, and, if I do say so... hilarious... me. This is the person that my husband knows, my mom knows, my friends know and how friggin lucky for you bloggeristas YOU know... or are getting to know. She is the beotch who slows down to 15mph when some asshole is tailgating. She's the idiot who will have a wild dance-off with her own self in the living room after only one drink and a rough workweek. She's the wife that will rush to pick up Chinese food and get home so I can joke with the hubby and say "See? I CAN have dinner on the table by six like a good wife."

Identity Two... ugh! I effing hate her. Actually thats a LIE. I have a severe love/hate relationship with her. I think my self-induced bi-polar-ish second identity might even be bi-polar. Does that mean I'm quad-polar?!?! Identity Two is the voice that answers the phone at the office thats so syrupy sweet you'd gag. She's the office psychiatrist thats compassionate to everyone (while Identity One is secretly saying "Seriously... get the F out of my office because I have shit to do!). She's the student on who's report cards the teachers made the extra effort to write "Miranda is a joy to have. Every teacher wishes for a classroom full of Mirandas." (<--- true story... doesn't that make you SICK?)

So of all the random, mismatched thoughts that fly through my mind, these are the two main characters that exist as a result.

COME ON! GET TO THE POINT! (Identity Two: "Ok, I apologize for the inconvenience of bringing you through this painful discussion." Identity One: "Ya know what... how about I'll get there when I get there?")

My point iiiiiissss.... sometimes these two cross paths and truly want to duke it out... Fight Club style. Sometimes these two have a hard time staying on their side of the backseat and make me want to pull the car over and spank both of them. (Sorry for you parents out there who are anti-spanking) but these two can get seriously out of hand.

And I've got this sneaking suspicion that this week Identity One just might take over in the workplace. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little nervous for her to make her debut. I hardly think she's Employee of the Month material and we just might lose clients over it and furthermore... she *just* might get me fired. So say a little prayer to the self-induced-bi-polar-ish Gods and I'll keep you updated.

Night all!

Saturday, February 20, 2010


There are times in life when you really wish you could press "forward" on the whole weight loss bit.

Over the last couple of weeks an amazing opportunity has transpired. My boss is putting on a social event in California for some very high profile clients. As an event planner, the opportunity to put on such an event is amazing.

I've even been put in contact with a celebrity event coordinator in LA who's clients typically consist of musicians and record labels. I've been in close contact with her all week and in one month will be flying out to LA for the actual event at a VERY exclusive venue that is frequented by the likes of Paris Hilton, the group from the "Hills," and lots and lots of young Hollywood types.

Umm..... pardoooonnnn? ME? SMALL TOWN MICHIGAN GIRL WITH THE COMBINED WEIGHT OF THE ENTIRE HILLS CAST?!?! (Ok maybe thats exaggerated...) Aycharumba...

Even though I'm happy to say that the small lifestyle changes I've implemented have resulted in the loss of 7 pounds in the last month, I'm TERRIFIED to be out in West Hollywood like a frickin fish out of water. I have NO idea what to wear (if anyone can link me to some decent clothing sites/stores that would be FAB). I'm actually afraid that even though we have reserved the venue that they STILL won't let me in... Can they DO that? I swear to you that the mere thought of this sends me into a near panic attack.

Press "forward" on the ol' weight loss and this would be an entirely different situation. How awesome of a time would that be? Yet one more life event that I feel like I can't fully enjoy because of the less-than-perfect condition I've let myself get into.

So there's my dilemma. I'm BEYOND nervous. I'm more nervous about my appearance being so unlike that of the people I'll be surrounded with than I am about pulling off this calibur of event which is on an entirely different level than any I've ever done.

So say a prayer... or seven... and I'll catch you all in the next post.

P.S. --- Thank you to everyone else for not being nearly as neglectful of their blogs as I am. Your posts keep me motivated and humored :) Adios!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Woot!Woot! I'm happy-dancing my little heart out. Its the simple things I tell ya... Seriously I wish you all could've seen the raised eyebrow and eye rolling I got from my husband when I went from "I have an effing headache" to "HOLLLLAAAA!!! I've got my 5th blog follower!"

Anywhoozle (<--- thats right up there with woops-a-daisy on the completely uncalled for word-o-meter)... Today was a pretty junky day. This WEEK has been pretty junky thus far and its only TUESDAY. What oh what is the matter you ask? Wellll... I made a decision a few days ago when I was about to rip someone's eye out or stick No.2 pencils in my own that I'm making a conscious effort to stop carrying the weight of everyone's problems. I decided to stop caring what people think, what their problems are and only worry about my own.

That might sound pretty selfish but here's the catch. I SWEAR to you that I am the office psychiatrist. I kid you not, at least five times a day someone comes to my door and says "I know you're busy but I just need to know..." And then they proceed to lay their burdens right in front of me and look at me with that quizzical look that says "FIX ME." Now I'm about as compassionate as they come but at least 97% of the issues that people come to me with are problems they have caused for themselves. One of the biggest lessons I have taught myself is that you cannot change the things that people say and do or whatever life throws at you. All you can change is how you REACT to it. Therefore, people getting in their own way time and time again annoys the shit out of me.

I'll be there for you. I'll listen. I'll try and walk you through a hard situation. But when you acknowledge the problem as well as the solution and refuse to fix it then thats where my sympathy ends. I've spent too much time carrying other people's burdens and not worrying about making myself happy. And THAT my friends (Cinco AMIGOS!!) is why this week is already proving to be a very trying one.

My new outlook on life has been tested beyond belief and I'm trying not to lose it. I'm PMSing, I've had a dull headache for two days, I'm not sleeping for crap at night and work is S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L. Therefore my tolerance for bullshit is nonexistant. Any tips for maintaining sanity and self control would be greatly appreciated. My foolish ranting aside, I hope you're all having a fabulous week so far.

For those of you embarking for the first, second, third, millionth time on any sort of weight-loss or health-induced plan, tune in to Oprah tomorrow. Ruby will be on there and she is absolutely beautiful and inspiring. Peace out playas... I mean good evening fellow bloggers...