Sunday, January 31, 2010


First I have to apologize for my absence (I KNOW my four followers cannot exist without my nonsense and I apologize to you and your families for any interruption of normalcy in your behavior as a result).

Oh lots has been going on in this little noggin these days. I've just been working every day on doing every thing in my power to make myself happy. And unfortunately that has meant saying a big "F U" to the treadmill for the last few days... Not proud, not proud...

But in place of the new lifestyle I had some really great little things that made me just as happy and giddy. And since I'm a compulsive list maker well, we shall list!

1) Pure Romance (aka Sex toy) party last Friday was a HIT!! We had about 20 women, good food, good drinks and HELLO! Some good unclean fun... flippin sweet. WARNING: The following may offend some readers... X-rated quote from the night "It feels like the first time because it IS the first time... in my DAMN BELLYBUTTON! How the hell do you honestly think its in my a** if I'm FACING you?!" (I recognize the complete inappropriateness of this comment but you HAD to be there)

2) Woke up to about 2 hours of alone time while the hubs went and played racquetteball. There were no plans so I had a couple of guilt-free hours to take inventory of the prior night's purchases, pick up the house and sit on the couch with a blank look on my face while trying to get motivated.

3) Proceeded to go to Target (NEED I say more?) and buy three of my favorite things to purchase: a DVD (Secret Life of Bees), a CD (Lady Antebellum) and a book (What to Expect Before You're Expecting). Hello self! What'd you do to deserve such fabulous treats? Oh and finished it off with a caramel macchiato from Starbucks (count THOSE calories).

4) Upon getting in the car MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This" was on the radio. I kid you not. How the hell can you NOT be happy?

5) I went and had lunch and visited with my mom. We watched The Secret Life of Bees and chatted and it was a blasty blast.

6) Had dinner with friends and their ultra cute baby then went and visited our one week old niece Lily who is absolutely beautiful.

And that was just Friday and Saturday. Today the hubs and I stayed home and just hung out. I did a little reading (mostly about prepping Psycho Uterus for Psycho Uterus Pregnancy), watched some Intervention (helllloooo guilty pleasure) and Facebooked it. Does it get any more relaxing than that? And now... drumroll... its one hour and counting until the Grammys. I'm not a huge tv fan but I do love me some good live performances.

I can't make an official decision yet but I'm thinking the direction of this little blog is about to change. I've been having (OMG DOG FART... CAN'T BREATHE... SKUNKY EGGS IN MY NOSE...) a difficult time coming up with material that motivates me to write. Behind this recent undertaking of a better lifestyle lies a bigger driving force. And I think it JUST might ring stronger and more true to those of you reading this little rant more so than the random shiz I pull out on a weekly basis. So sit tight... I've got a bit more creative thinking to do but I think some positive changes are in the works.

Hope you all have a fabulous week. Make a goal for this week to do at least one small thing for yourself each day... something small that brings a guilty smile to your face.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

...AND... I'M BACK...

Hi all! (And I use "all" VERY loosely... as I'm pretty sure I'm referring to the three of you that read this little piece of scratch).

Well where the hell have I been the last few days? Nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. Sometimes life just picks me up and carries me on its waves then gently sets me back on the shore and I have no idea where I was. That's what happened the last few days. The hubs and I went out to dinner Friday night where we drank two pitchers of Miller Light and finally relaxed for the first time in a long time. Saturday I visited with family and had my 7 year old niece over for a girls night. Then Sunday we had our first lazy Sunday in awhile. I have to say, with the holidays officially in the past and work getting somewhat under control, I feel like things are finally settling down. Or maybe I'm just getting a better grip? Who knows...

So I think I've done pretty well on the health plan these days. I refuse to use the word diet. And health plan sounds too much like a CNN headline... So I'm gonna open this up for suggestion. I need a clever name for this new situation. Your input is appreciated.

What else? Ahhh... psycho Uterus... I went to the ob today to get that little beotch under control. Here's the basic plan for my anticipated success:
1.) Continue taking nausea inducing birth control meds which make me want to puke my guts up tequila-style
2.) Get my ass in gear and drop some weight
3.) Shake it like a Polaroid picture

Can you guess which one I added just to see if you were paying attention?

Well... I still feel kinda BLAH and like my blogness is a bit sketchy today. Oh I also found out I have low iron therefore explaining the lack of energy and desire to sleep my face off. Despite this discovery I've managed to keep up on the elliptical and treadmill for the last week. I'll admit that as good as it felt to Shred, the hubby wasn't too crazy about manlady and I'm using his lack of will to continue with the abuse as my excuse to seek workout pleasure elsewhere.

I have to say though, amidst the fog in my head lately it was such an honor to check out this lovely's blog and find that I had been awarded this sexy little badge:

Beautiful Blogger Award Pictures, Images and Photos

(FYI I was to pick between this and another and picked the beautiful one because a girl can dream can't she?) With this honor comes the obligation to list 7 things about me. So lets add some flair to this beotch and get to learnin. Enjoy!

1. I have a phobia of escalators. Not just any ol' fear, dear readers, a true and honest to goodness phobia. Can't go near 'em and have had many people try and drag me towards them which only solidifies my inability to set foot on those steps of doom. The worst part being that I have no idea at all where it came from and I'm pretty sure I went on them when I was little.

2. I fear that I will lose my mind when I'm old and that the thoughts that swirl inside my head will exist on the outside thus being perceived as a total nut case.

3. I could eat breadsticks with marinara sauce for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Its the hardest thing to give up during this _________. <--- Why haven't you NAMED it yet?! 4. I was told today by my obgyn that it is very likely I will have a hard time getting pregnant due to polycystic ovaries. I have blatantly ignored this all day and refused to think about it for fear of it consuming me. 5. In late November, my mom was diagnosed with transverse myelitis, a rare condition caused by an every day flu virus that settled in her spine thus causing paralysis from the waist down. It came on in the matter of a couple of hours. I've told her that I will get in better shape while she continues to struggle towards a recovery. And that when she gets better I'll be in good shape too and we will go for a nice long walk together. I pray with all my might that she recovers fully and I don't want to let her down by not being ready for our walk. This is what drives me every day to get on the treadmill. 6. I wish I had spent my early 20's in a big city like Chicago or NYC instead of in a small town in Michigan. It makes me sad knowing my husband will NEVER live in a city and that I missed the chance to experience it. 7. I dropped out of college, not because I couldn't decide what to do with my life, but because there's TOO MUCH I want to do with it. I'm constantly overwhelmed by all the things I want to do and especially the things I feel incapable of. I want to travel to foreign countries and help their children. I want to take a trip somewhere truly serene and find my inner peace. I want to teach. I want to be a marriage counselor to help other families cope with the kind of dysfunction that ran rampant in mine. The list goes on and on. 8. Enough woe is me crap... I love the CD "Nonstop 90's Rock"... Google it. Order it. Lick it. 9. My "ring" toes are crooked. My mom used to hold them straight when I was a baby and try to make them grow straight. 10. ..........and.......drumroll.............. I would pay no less than $10,000,000,000 and give up Facebook to have my back rubbed 24 hours a day. **BONUS** - I started saying words like "Shiz", "Beotch" and ending words in "izzle" as a joke and now its kinda stuck in my vocabulary. Until I can break myself of the habit I'm going to pretend that its endearing. Ok I'm supposed to pass this on to 10 people but the truth is I don't have 10 followers yet :( and my laptop is Sucky. McSuckerson right now so I can't do a whole lot of extra movement or it will crash and burn. So if you're reading this and you haven't been dubbed a Beautiful Blogger yet, well, you are. So snag the badge and educate. A very very special shoutout to this wonderfully wonderful lady for posting such a beautiful comment after reading my fears on Sue's wall. I cannot thank you enough for your kind words and support. She also has the best blog name I've ever read. I'm looking forward to checking out her blog more and I think you should too:)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Yep... Bayside Tiger... rack your brain.... Give up? SAVED BY THE BELL REFERENCE!!! HELLO!!! You bet your sweet ass you read that right. Where did that come from you ask?

With the extra hours I've been putting in at work I ended up not having to go in until noon today. So I woke up and decided to flip on the tv until I could motivate myself to roll out of bed. When what to my wondering eyes should appear? But Zack Morris and eight tiny reindeer! Ok there were no reindeer in this post slumber experience but Zack, Kelly and the gang were totally blessing my tv screen in their high tops and neon glory.

It was THE best morning I've had in a very long time. I was even able to motivate myself to get up and do 15 minutes on Satans Sand Walker aka the Elliptical. I put the ol' itunes on shuffle and today's workout soundtrack was quite interesting:

30 Seconds to Mars - From Yesterday (odd choice you might say but totally worked what with
the angst and all...), Lupe Fiasco - Superstar, Baby Boi da Prince - The Way I Live (because apparently I'm gangsta when I work it out) and the cool down phase was completed to the sounds of U2 - With or Without You.

But dammit I'm pumped. Its only day 2 but I've done pretty awesome. Oh and the Shred you ask... well is it a LAW that it has to be done in 30 days? I don't think so. Manlady is NOT the boss of me. And I'll admit I'm not *quite* to the point of dedicating myself to TWO workouts a day. Call me lazy but I'm a firm believer in adding change in small doses thus making it easier to maintain. But tomorrow? Tomorrow we shred.

**BONUS** - REASON #2 for being drawn to "the shred." I feel like I can use it in conversation and sound like I'm shredding on some guitar strings Slash-style.

**BOGUS** - Boooo... this was a rather random post. I apologize for my inability to make sense when blogging whilst tuning in to the guilty pleasure that is American Idol. There I said it. I swear its the last AI reference EVER. And now we end this torturous rambling...

Monday, January 11, 2010


Ok... I no longer relate "the Shred" with TMNT. I now associate it with the deepest, most flaming, torturous bowels of hell. Yep, day 1 and the Shred that almost wasn't has nearly claimed my life...

But I DID it and thats all that matters. No... strength ... for... witty... commentary... fading... and I'm





Sunday, January 10, 2010


I effing hate Mondays but tomorrow can't get here fast enough. Why you ask? Because my brain is so weekday conscious today that it has decided to put the aforementioned song on Repeat in my head. It was there when I first woke up, I sung it in the shower and I'm pretty sure when I was peeing.

There really was nothing easy about this morning... the uterus was in top form and kept me in the fetal position all morning. The hubs was nice enough to go out and grab us a bagel and even brought me home some orange juice after I had a Google Attack and found that many a rambunctious uterus responds well to calcium. Well I've got four words for you uterus... Floridian Citrus Crop Frozen... so don't get used to it.

Alright enough uterus talk.... I finally willed myself to head to the store and begin the journey. I picked up the 30 Day Shred and lots and lots of fruit and healthy (er) foods. I've been lurking around the blogosphere the last couple of days and have read many references to "the Shred." Thats what I'm calling it - "the Shred." Are you down? I don't tune into the Biggest Loser regularly but I figured hey - what the hell? I secretly think I'm drawn to it because it makes me think of Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Cowabunga!!!!

So - tomorrow begins the start of this crazy journey. I'm not dieting. I'm not giving up breadsticks and beer forever. I'm just going to make a valiant effort to make smarter choices, rock "the Shred" for the next 30 or 90 days and eat better. I've dealt with a lot over the last few years and I think I'm coming around to the life thats starting to exist around me. Or maybe (GASP!) I'm growing up even more. There's been this storm brewing in my head - one that wants to separate all the junk in my life (in my head, in my house, in my cupboards, everywhere), purge what I don't need, reorganize what I'm keeping and simply MAINTAIN the goodness that will undoubtedly come with a little bit of commitment and maybe just maybe some support from my blog friends :)

So thats that. I'm off to bed. I'm starting a health plan on a Monday at the beginning of the year. Statistics say I've already failed. Better rest up.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

OH FINE... WADDUP 2010...

I sat through my New Years a bit depressed as a result of my life's events recently. I avoided the New Years head bandy and noisemaker thingys in the stores and generally couldn't muster up that 'fresh start' feeling that many people have come January 1st. Save for the few checks I've had to write I've successfully turned a cheek to 2010... and the fresh start I KNOW I DESPERATELY need... until now.

After putting in at least two work hours EVERY day of my supposed 4 day New Years weekend, you could say I was starting my year a little on the bitter side. However, the last day of the "break" my hubby and I got a bug in our ass to paint the should-be-Master-bedroom thats been piled high with MY crap for the last year and a half since calling this place home. We've moved out of the guest bedroom and I must say I LOVE the new chocolate milk colored walls of my freshly acquired sleeping space.

And that was that. That was the closest we came to being productive in that four day stretch. The need to set my health as a priority naturally plagues my thoughts daily. I've got an out of CONTROL uterus right now, an impending root canal, some depression issues that may or may not require professional guidance and about a hundred excess pounds weighing down this supposed temple. Sooo... that being said, and the urge to start our family sometime this fall, I've got some major work to do. Which comes with the daunting task of finding some major motivation. And.... let it be said... one of my infamous need-one-for-everything lists aka a PLAN.

I've blamed my increased workload work for keeping me from stepping out into this venture for a couple of weeks now. But the uterus isn't backing down, the root canal is looming and those pounds sure as hell haven't gotten the hint that they're not welcome. Not in the least. And while we're on that subject lets not forget I've got til September to drop enough inches to squeeze into that bridesmaids dress I bought which does NOT FIT YET. Aycharumba... (sp) And YES the hubs and I just debated the proper spelling of that. Please feel free to point and laugh.

SO... this need to step out of my sweats and woe-is-me mindset is hugely important. I haven't known exactly where to start until the other night when I stumbled onto quite the gem. Needing a break from MJ's autobiography "Moon Walk" (if you just rolled your eyes... I dare you to sit still through Thriller... Triple. Dog. Dare. You.) I googled something like "the best blogs for women..." which in a round about way lead me to said gem. That was on Thursday. I have since shamelessly read her entire blog catalog from start to ... well... now. I'm hooked. Its not just that her writing style and experiences are highly relatable. Or that after getting halfway through I realized that she hails from a town about 15 minutes from where I live. Or that she openly discusses sharting.

Its that I was reminded that this is the outlet I forgot I had. This year is undoubtedly going to be a tough one full of change - some good, some bad, some scarily unknown. But I really think my love for writing is that missing link, that driving force I need to accompany as I brace for all that this New Year entails. So I'm back. With a vengeance. I hope that this works out the way I plan. And I hope, with a third grade fervor that MrsFatass will be my friend.

Later gators.