Monday, September 21, 2009

NEVER ENOUGH...

I was just thinking about how there is never enough of so many things in my life. I wonder if I will ever be happy with exactly what I have and if there is some super-thought-process to build contentment. So I'm going to try a little self-experiment. I'm going to take my compulsive list-making to new heights. I'm going to make a list of all the things that are never enough - then do my best to work through that list and deal with each individual aspect of my life thats represented, trying to build contentment or address the cause of why I feel the way I do.

*There's never enough nice things said by my husband
*There's never enough romance in my marriage
*There's never enough positivity at work
*There's never enough appreciation
*There's never enough work done on my part... always something to add to the to-dos
*There's never enough money
*There's never enough time
*There's never enough sleep
*There's never enough respect
*There's never enough understanding
*There's never enough nerve
.................................................................................

Thats all for now... call it complaining but sometimes those things happen to hit me all at once leaving me wallowing in a pool of self pity. I'm hoping that by working on each thing one by one I can accomplish a higher level of happiness. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

SPARE CHANGE

I grew up in a too-small town where the only traffice jams were caused by farm machinery or funerals. The only cities I've frequented are Detroit, MI and Chicago, IL. When visiting these cities I am my classic self - torn between a small-town girl with eyes wide open, full of wonder, anxiety and timidity. Torn between her and the woman I am grooming myself to be - sophisticated, professional, knowing which fork to use.

Nothing can force me back into that small-town shell quicker than encountering a homeless person. I am not scared. I am anxious. I feel the same way about homeless people as I do about changes in my life. I feel anxious, I don't want to come into contact, be engaged with it or embrace it. Yet I recognize that it is inevitable - my interaction with them and with change. I avoid it as much as I can but at the same time I am human enough to know that I have to acknowledge it as real. Who am I kidding? I am more uncomfortable with change than anything or anyone.

I recently changed jobs. I had held on to a wonderful job in a miserable environment to the point of sacrificing my health, my relationships with friends and family and most importantly, my time for myself. I worked at a resort and planned weddings for the last four years. I am only 24, so this was the longest I had ever been at a job thus far. I loved my job. As with most jobs, it was the management that led to my eventual resignation. From the first time I fluffed the bride's dress I knew it was my calling. I loved the relationships I developed with the clients. I loved being able to exercise my creativity to its fullest potential to put on the most memorable events. I even loved the challenges that came in the form of mothers-of-the-bride, "bridezillas" and arrogant businessmen planning conferences.

But it happend- I finally jumped ship. I mean jumped. I was offered an administrative position at a real estate office and took the opportunity. I jumped with out even opening my eyes. My knowledge of the real estate business went as far as knowing that theres a bunch of people, they sell houses, lots of papers are signed and then they give people keys to their house. When I find myself googling real estate terms just to stay afloat and not sound completely incompetent, I have often wondered "What the hell am I doing here? I just left a job that I knew inside, outside and sideways for a place where I know nothing."

My boss is not only a real estate broker ( n: term which describes a party who acts as an intermediary between sellers and buyers of real estate and attempts to find sellers who wish to sell and buyers who wish to buy), but she is also a national speaker. She holds sessions across the country coaching other brokers on how to grow their business. Last week she called me into her office and offered me the position of being her event coordinator - effective immediately. Just when I was starting to question whether or not I really should look before I leap - I am offered an amazing opportunity to plan events across the country. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways. From the day I interviewed at this company I was made aware that there were big plans in place and that the business would begin growing. I didn't quite expect to be taken along on the journey so quickly and I am ecstatic.

So its made me decide that change really isn't a bad thing. Nothing to fear. I know it's offbeat to compare a change in career to a homeless person but they both just want you to open your heart and your mind and accept that they are real. And when you accept this - you will be greatly rewarded.

~For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Sunday, June 14, 2009

WARNING... GAG ALERT...

So tonight the hubby and I are watching Slumdog Millionaire. I pause the movie for a bathroom break and as I sit up on the edge of the couch my husband, who's sitting in the chair across from me, says "Wait - Don't move." I'm thinking there must be a huge spider on the wall behind me. "What?!" I ask as he reaches and grabs his cell phone.

"Hang on," he says, "You looked so cute sitting there just now... I want to take your picture."

Maybe things like this happen in most people's relationships/marriages/etc. However, this was such an uncommon thing for him to say. He's not what you would call the most vocal person unless of course we're talking about his beloved dirtbike. No misunderstanding, he is quite affectionate and is a wonderful husband - I thank God for him every day. But this was just one of those moments you wish you could frame and set on your nightstand. Its small moments like that that make me look up at the sky and give God a little wink. He wasn't kidding when He joined the two of us. What a wonderful plan He has.

SECRET SUNDAY

I love routine. I love spontaneity. I am oftentimes a walking contradiction.

I love spontaneity as it pertains to having the daily chores done and the hubs and I looking at each other asking "So what now?" Then we'll get online and google local parks, restaurants, not-so-local wineries, etc and decide on somewhere to go or something to do. I love not finding anything online and just hopping in the car and driving wherever we feel like.

I love routine as it pertains to my husband and I when we accomplish every-day tasks in sync with each other. I sort the laundry - he washes & dries - I fold and put it away. I clear my makeup, blowdryer and our toothbrushes off the bathroom counter, clean it and the floor - he cleans the bathtub (God love him!). I speed-pick-up the living room and clear the dining room table - he sprinkles carpet powder and vacuums. I love that kind of routine. I love days when we get to come right home after work and hang out in our pj's watching our favorite TV shows (Jeopardy THEN Wheel of Fortune).

A new favorite routine is that every Sunday at some point during the day I hop online and pull up PostSecret.com. Oftentimes I simply clear my throat to get his attention, point at the computer screen and after a second he puts it all together and sits down next to me on the couch. We scroll through the secrets together - laughing at some, talking about some and remaining silent about others. This routine typically lasts between three and five minutes but I find myself looking forward to it every Sunday. And here is one of my favorites that I feel obliged to share. Have a wonderful Sunday and may you share the secrets that weigh heavy on your shoulders and keep the ones that make you smile.

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Saturday, June 13, 2009

INNOCENT TALKS OF GOD

I don't typically write about religion in this public realm because my relationship with the Big Man has and always will remain a very personal journey. However, I feel compelled to relay this story...

I was at my brothers house last night to watch the sickening display by the Detroit Redwings as they handed over the Stanley Cup. There were quite a few people there to watch the game, have a couple of drinks and sit around the post-game bonfire. After sitting by the fire for awhile I decided to go back into the house to find my niece (age 7) and nephew (age 9) entertaining themselves with the usual videogames, dolls, etc.

I sat down at the kitchen table and after a few minutes both my niece and nephew were sitting across from me. I do not recall what started the conversation down this path but I soon found myself inundated with questions from them about God, dying, illness, etc. It caught me completely off guard and saddened me beyond words to hear the questions that they hold inside their little minds come pouring out. Many times these two cannot sit within two feet of each other before a fight breaks loose but they sat there on either side of me, raising their hands and taking turns asking questions (haha gotta love that!) with eyes wide open. I would like to share some of the highlights of this conversation:

Niece: "Umm... what does it mean when someone faints - do they like DIE?"

Nephew: "What if you don't know if you believe in God?"

Niece: "My grandma told me that her mom died and went to heaven and I just wish that I met her. Is she really in heaven?"

Niece: "What IS heaven?"

Nephew: "My friend said that we came from monkeys. But some people think we came from God..." (to which I replied 'Where'd the monkeys come from?')

Niece: "My friend said that we don't go to heaven. She said that when we get old we get littler and the world explodes." (<---that was a fun one to sort out with her...) Niece: "What if God and Jesus die?" (****Halfway through our conversation my niece said "I think I love God - I love you God.") Nephew: "What happens if you don't know if you believe in God and you die - where do you go - do you go to the devil's place?" Niece: "Yeah my friend said that the devil wants to make the Earth bad and wants to kill God." ..... and here's the clincher... After doing my best to answer their questions - and these were BIG questions to have fired at you so rapidly - my nephew was still confused why if there is a God that his friend would think we came from monkeys. He seemed worried that there was no unanimous decision. To which I told them "You will have friends, family and lots of people who might not believe in God the way that you do. But what matters most is what YOU believe in. Sometimes its hard to believe in something that you can't see. But because God lives so far far away in heaven we can't see HIM but we can see the things he does for us and that reminds us that he loves us no matter what. Just like your parents love you. Maybe sometimes they don't say it and maybe sometimes they get mad when you don't listen, or when you fight with each other - but no matter what - they always love you. And thats the way God loves you."

Whew! That was that. It was just such a random conversation that I HAD to share. It reminded me how important it is to allow ourselves even as adults to continuously ask questions. And most importantly, to allow ourselves to dedicate our live to finding the answers. I did not answer their questions from a standpoint of total certainty myself. But I did speak with conviction and belief. I love these two so much and I can't wait to have children of my own. I only hope and pray that they and everyone I care about will find the answers they're looking for and have the strength to believe with all of their might in something that means as much to me as my faith.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

FOR THE LOVE OF...

*Insert long...drawn out sigh*

Finally - my own little piece of scratch paper layed between classic literary masterpieces (redundant?) and pages of witty commentary. Welcome. I hope you find my tiny corner of the blogging world to be a comfortable place - the kind you can grab a good book, a cup of green tea and snuggle up in. The kind of place that you leave feeling if not enlightened (lets not get ahead of ourselves) then at least amused (ahh thats more like it). And I was just kidding about grabbing a good book... unless you can read two things at once.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Miranda. I wish I could sum up all that I am, stand for, believe in, love and hate all in one clever sentence but then what would be the purpose of this blog? I can tell you that carefully piecing together words and sentences to express myself is something that has always pumped through my veins like a furocious current. Its cost me great loss, its brought me better understandings of myself and life and a great many things. I sometimes say things the way I would write them and lose all sense of purpose before finding myself in a rambling, disorganized mess of words. Sometimes when communicating verbally I'd like to sigh, throw up my hands and mutter "Oh hell, just give me pen and I'll explaaaiiinnn!"

I have radio station A.D.D., non-pregnant woman pregnancy cravings, an absurd knack for overanalyzing the words and actions of others, the insane tendency to say things I don't mean (or do I?) when I stay up too late (think emotional drunk without the alcohol) among many other things that I will share as they pour out of me.

Thank you again for stopping by. Please come again if you are so inclined! Have a fabulous day!