Tuesday, March 9, 2010

BIG PIMPIN... Its Sara's BIRTHDAY PARTY!

(Yes I'm posting this a few hours early because I'll be sleeping at midnight, I'll be at work tomorrow, and well, why not just start the Birthday Lovin now?)

I'm super very excited for today's post. For those of you who haven't checked out Smartass Sara... well its her BIRTHDAY and you SHOULD. Show her some love today!!! And she's just so damn cool that she's one of the few blogger pals who I know would appreciate the merchandise listed below. And well, if I wasn't such a sucky blog friend I would've found it and sent it to her in real life. And she's vowing to kick everyone's ass in my CONTEST and I admire her determination.  Anyways, I heart her and wish I could party with her tonight.


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Without further adieu...

I present to you...

One of the Baddest Motha Effas in the blogger hood...



For those who don't me I'll give you a quickie intro. I'm 28. I'm a mom of two kids. I'm unhappily married. I work full time. I have my own Etsy shop. I'm a full time blogger. I'm a friend, daughter, etc. I'm angsty. I'm easily confused. I'm a potty mouth. I'm determined and independent. I'm a picky eater and I have big boobs. I have a bubble butt and I read a lot. I like music. I don't like farm animals. Prefer vibrators to dildos.

So I think that kind of gives you some insight into me. Of course a stroll through my blog, Sara's Organized Chaos will give you more insight into me and my crazy.

But I struggle. I struggle every day with who I am and who I actually want to be. It's strange that all my life I wanted to grow up, get married, have babies, and be Martha Stewart but prettier with bigger boobs. And I did all that. Except I'm not happy. I feel like I missed out on something. Now sure, some will argue that becoming a bar slut and fucking every guy with a pulse and hope he doesn't puke on you or your cute shoes isn't really something to regret not doing. Except I do.

In any one day I feel like I am two or three completely different people. Sometimes four. There is:

MOMMY SARA: The dedicated mom to two super adorable and awesome, well behaved kids. I have no idea how I got so lucky with them but I am forever grateful that I have been given the best kids ever. (They are only 4 and 2 so check with me in 10 years) I do crafty things with them, I plan out our activities, I'm trying to make everything a teaching moment, I'm always tired. I'm giving piggy back rides, I'm hiding with them, chasing them, singing along with the Wiggles.

WIFE AND HOMEMAKER SARA: I plan our meals, I clean our house, I make us look good to the outside world. People who encounter us would see as a put together, organized family of four. Really it's a gigantic nightmare of a mess but I hold it together. I remember every holiday, birthday, anniversary, party, appointment, etc and get everybody where they need to go. Any CEO of any large company has nothing on me. I can put Martha to shame. Which is hard because she's a heartless bitch that you just KNOW has whips under her bed. With pretty little ribbons on the handles.

FULL TIME WORKER SARA: Ah- yes. I work in a non-profit. I'm sweet and friendly. My co-workers probably have a small inkling of what I'm like in real life or think they know but they don't. They actually know a very small part of me. I'm a good worker, ubber organized, helpful, kind and caring to the clients, willing to take anything on.

SPARE TIME SARA: This is the Sara I actually like the most, oddly enough. This Sara is crazy. She's loud, she's obnoxious, she has no filter, says anything that comes into her head. Funny, clutzy, airhead, sporadic, busy, scattered, talks a mile a minute, lover of music, likes to dance, acts as if she is 21 forever but doesn't drink because she doesn't need to.

So you roll up all of these versions of me and it's confusing. I don't know where I really fit and can't find a balance. How I can keep it all straight, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like never turning onto my street. Like I should just keep driving, leave it all behind start anew. Except that would likely last for about 20 miles because I get lost without my GPS and it's currently sitting on my kitchen counter because for some reason I brought it in thinking I'd need it while cooking dinner or something.

Plus I'd be broke. I never have more than $3 on me because I'm a bit of a shop-o-holic. Like today on lunch I had $20. I bought: a pepsi, a water, a bag of jelly beans, a Lil Wayne cd, and a thing of Reese's Peanut Butter Cup eggs. Guess what? I now have .17. So I'm going NOWHERE. That means today I will be going home.

And god forbid I'd get a flat tire. I'd be screwed. I have a penchant for flat tires and broken windows. At least on this vehicle. I mean, in theory- the steps on changing a flat tire seem pretty straight forward, but it requires thought and muscle which are two things that don't work together for me. So you get one or the other, but if you are hoping for muscle it's limited.

I also have very limited real world experience. So I'd be the idiot asking a group of gang bangers where I could find a clean bathroom with toilet paper. Can we say "Target for Robbery", anyone? Except they'd probably be so pissed off with my measley .17 that maybe they'd just feel bad for me. And then like pimp me out or something. Who knows. But I do know that I am a magnet for freaks, perverts, and crazies so let's be real. I would last literally, a matter of a few fucking hours before something traumatic happened.

So in the end, I have no idea who I am. I don't even think I'm capable of every really figuring it out. It depends where I am and what I'm doing. I do know that I try to be good at everything I do. Sure, there are some things I'd probably change if I could but who knows. Maybe I'd be worse off. At least I didn't end up on 16 and Pregnant, right? At least I'm not on Maury confused over the 37 possible baby daddy's in the span of a week. If I could do it all over again, I would have slutted it up a bit. I would have gotten piss drunk at least once in my 20's. (Not to say I never have..I'm talking in my early 20's.) I would have gotten a tattoo on my ass or something. I would have done majorly stupid things I'd regret later on.

2 comments:

  1. FIST PUMPS WITH MY LEG, BITCH! :) YES-- I need that cup. I need it more than I need to pay my light bill.

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  2. Let me help you out with this one. I majored in drinking in college and failed. I should have majored in puking because I never did learn when to quit. Then after breaking up with a really great guy I spent my 20s bouncing around dating a bunch of losers. My life began to feel like SEINFELD. That shit is funny on TV. Not so funny when you're living it. In my 30s I gave up and became unhappily married. I should have stayed single. Then I became so unhappily married that I developed migraines and chronic fatigue from the stress of it all. Then I became divorced, but I got to keep the migraines and chronic fatigue. Then I lost my house, my job, and pretty much my life. Now I am back to living with my parents. I've lost track of the number of personalities I have. And I am working really hard on that travel mix contest and plan on kicking some serious ass. Or at least I'm going down fighting with my leg all twisted and twitchy.

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